Caregiving is Loss

Always keep a sense of humor, and remember to stay positive!






A common misunderstanding about grief is that it is only a reaction to death. But grief is a far broader concept. Grief results from a reaction to loss—any loss—not just one related to death. It is a reaction not only to an expected loss but to all the losses—past, present and future—that are encountered in an experience of illness or disability.

Grief is a constant companion on the caregiving journey. Caregiving becomes the process whereby one must continually adapt to losses. There can be many losses in caregiving for the loved one and the caregiver.  Some of these losses are tangible and some are not.

Loved One’s Losses: 

Hopes/dreams   

Plans/Goals      

Body Image            

Security 

Career/income                 

Independence                      

Intimacy 

Friends

Caregiver's Losses:

Hopes/dreams   

Plans/Goals      

Body Image            

Security 

Career/income                 

Independence                      

Intimacy 

Friends  

The list above shows that the loved one AND the caregiver are losing many of the same things (especially if the caregiver is a spouse). Loss is inherent in the caregiving experience, so is grief. Grief is experienced by everyone involved—loved ones, caregivers, family members, and friends. Caregivers and Loved Ones must go through the processes of grief over and over again as each loss occurs.

Types of support will be different at different periods in the caregiving experience, but each stage of grieving will need to be acknowledged and dealt with, for both the caregiver AND the loved one. The caregiver often must put aside her own grief and help the loved one through theirs. But, a word of warning to the caregiver; don’t forget to go back and address your own grief or you will not be equipped to care for your loved one properly.

The Stages of Grief:

1. Denial (Some loved ones will live in a constant and permanent state of denial Be direct and honest, but don’t expect an “Aha” moment right away).
2. Anger (Sometimes brought on by other emotions; frustration, resentment, fear. Let them vent).
3. Bargaining (Respond with, “wouldn’t that be great” or “We’ll help any way we can.” Do not try and reason).
4. Depression (Listen to the pain, empathize with sadness and share tears—don’t try and fix it!).
5. Acceptance (Peaceful resignation. Confirm and agree).

Caregivers and loved ones alike will bounce back and forth between these 5 stages often; sometimes even several within a single day. You are not strange or unusual because you are feeling a multitude of emotions. Each person has his or her own way of coping and their own time period for getting back to normalcy.

Adapted from Grief, Loss, and Caregiving by Kenneth J. Doka with additional editing by Lauri Dilbeck 7/4/14