I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

As a caregiver you have probably heard yourself say, or at least have thought at one time or another, “I want my life back!” That’s a very human feeling to express, but the truth is, no one takes our lives away. We give them over by putting ourselves at the bottom of the to-do list.

 

 

Caregiving means we open ourselves up to pain and suffering, as well as the joys and victories of helping our loved ones through difficult times. But often these circumstances we’ve chosen cause us fatigue, guilt, anxiety stress, frustration, depression, isolation, anger and resentment.

 

It’s amazing how few caregivers have learned to balance their own needs with the needs of their loved one. In taking on this role, most of us have failed to understand the importance of personal attention and in turn our own health.  We don’t dedicate the same amount of energy to our own well-being as we do to that of our loved one. And that cannot be because we are less important! We are just as important and on the scale of care, we are more important because we are caring for two—ourselves AND our loved one. If we become ill or exhausted, who will care for our loved one?

 

Putting ourselves last is not a conscious act, but it is common and it is very dangerous! It is not true that in serving others we cannot serve ourselves as well. It is possible to do both and it’s possible to do both well!

 

It is not only about our physical well-being, but also, and foremost, our spiritual health. When we do not pay attention to our entire being—our body, mind and soul—we set ourselves up for failure in the form of exhaustion and other health problems. When we live our lives only for others, we give our lives away.

 

 

Caregivers are swayed by Western Culture to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. The fear of admitting that we are not supermen and superwomen, creates such a pressure on us that we are convinced that we cannot measure up if we admit we cannot do it ourselves. We have been cautioned over and over again that focusing on ourselves or putting ourselves first is wrong. So, in the end, we concentrate on doing for our loved one or others and leave ourselves out of the mix entirely. This is the perfect invitation for disease and depression.

 

 

Self-neglect sets us up to take on the needs of others, willingly, but when the exhilaration fades, we find we don’t have sufficient inner resources to feel renewed each day. Our jobs as caregivers begin to take over and we lose a little more of ourselves every day, even when we have the best of intentions.

 

The work of a caregiver is not only about caring for our loved one, but it is about caring for ourselves so that we can be the best at caring for our loved ones. We cannot love another unless we love ourselves first, and loving and caring for yourself is a way to show love to the one you care for. Mother Teresa was an amazing caregiver yet she found time to take rest when she needed it.

 

Because we make sure our needs are met does not mean we are selfish. We need to remain healthy (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) in order to be adequate at our caregiving. We have been taught how to go out and give, but we’ve forgotten how to give to ourselves. Service doesn’t mean we must give our lives away, but rather that we connect in a relationship where we feel value and fulfillment.

 

 

We must not miss the opportunities to foster health and well-being in ourselves. We must be in touch with our grief; our depression and exhaustion so that we can spill it out and unburden ourselves of it. Then, we can become healthy and start to look inward to heal and to begin to think of ourselves as valuable and important to our loved ones and ourselves. We cannot serve or bring forth our gifts if we don’t have the energy to do it.


There is a valid reason the airlines have you put on your oxygen mask before you help someone else. If you are not able to breathe properly, then you certainly won't be able to assist another person. We've got to put our health at the top of the list so we can be strong enough to help our loved one.

 

 

As caregivers we carry the suffering and pain of those we care for. All of this is because we are energetic, empathetic and physical beings. We can still care well without taking on the troubles of the world. Detachment is the ability to care deeply from an objective place.

 

Caregiving, like healing, is mutual. It depends on a circle of connection that renders both giver and receiver more whole. One of the treasures caregivers bestow is the ability to be present with your loved one who is suffering and to validate his or her self-worth. This is also healing work—to witness another’s emotional wounds without judgment. As we acknowledge another’s pain, we are allowed to let go of our own. So it is important to give to ourselves to be the best caregivers we can be.
    

Adapted from Beth Witrogen McLeod’s Self-Care: The Path to Wholeness 2006

with additional input and editing by Lauri Dilbeck 2014