Intimacy with Your Patient-Spouse

Many of us are caregivers to our spouses, which often entails switching our hats back and forth between “nurse” and “spouse”. This is easier for some than for others. Men who care for their wives, and women who care for their husbands, have very different challenges.

I realize not everyone will fall into these categories perfectly, but for the sake of argument I’ll use well-known generalizations for each gender.

Men can usually compartmentalize their lives. In other words, it is not uncommon for a man who nurses his wife all day, to still be turned on by her and ready for intimacy in the evening. For that matter, he may even have trouble curbing his physical attraction while giving her a bath or lifting her from bed. He is able to put his caregiving into a compartment and leave it there while he allows his intimacy compartment to come to the forefront and express his physical love for her without a problem.

Women, on the other hand, tend to connect everything they do. Every responsibility, whether negative or positive, becomes a part of them. Their duties, hobbies, challenges, and other home concerns, are lumped together and not easily separated from one another. So, a woman who cares for her husband all day will often find it difficult to separate her nursing duties from her intimate love for her husband. It might be far more difficult for her to make love to her husband after a long day of nursing him as a patient. In addition, as women age, they experience a physiological change--a lack of interest in sex--so a tiring day of nursing duties can remove the idea of intimacy from her entirely.

Medication can take its toll on intimacy as well. Many of the medications for neurological disorders, cancer, and age, can create impotence or fatigue, both of which become challenges for the sexually active. The male patient may have the desire to be intimate, but because of his medication, his body is unwilling to fulfill that obligation. This can be extremely frustrating, not to mention tiring for both partners.

So what can we do about these things? Medication seems an impossible obstacle to mount (pardon the pun). The biggest thing you can do is to recognize your situation and identify what is creating the intimacy issue. If medication is the problem, ask your doctor whether an ED will assist. I realize adding another medication is usually not ideal, but your doctor can help you with the best remedy for your situation. You may find that the ways you used to be intimate just aren’t realistic any longer. In that case, find new ways to enjoy your partner.

Surprise your spouse with opportunities to be “frisky”. Sometimes your initiation can create the spontaneity and follow-through medication has taken away. Keep your frustration to a minimum. Remember, your patient-spouse is just as frustrated as you are, probably more so.

It’s important to know where your spouse is coming from. Keep the lines of communication open; ask your spouse how they feel about intimacy (things have most likely changed with this new caregiving arrangement). Share with your spouse how you’re feeling. Respect your spouse. Whether that means honoring the lack of desire, stopping after a period of time when things aren’t going well,  or the reverse; accommodating happily, even when the desire isn’t there. You’re a team. You’re in this thing together.

The most important thing to remember is that you're not alone in your situation. Yes, it’s a little unusual, but it isn’t completely foreign. Talk to your doctor, a professional, or a trusted friend who can give good counsel. And, DON’T give up! We were created for intimacy and touch is very important to the healing process. Try new things; you may just find the thing that works best for you is something you've never done before!