As a caregiver you have probably heard yourself say, or at
least have thought at one time or another, “I want my life back!” That’s a very
human feeling to express, but the truth is, no one takes our lives away. We
give them over by putting ourselves at the bottom of the to-do list.
Caregiving means we open ourselves up to pain and suffering,
as well as the joys and victories of helping our loved ones through difficult
times. But often these circumstances we’ve chosen cause us fatigue, guilt,
anxiety stress, frustration, depression, isolation, anger and resentment.
It’s amazing how few caregivers have learned to balance
their own needs with the needs of their loved one. In taking on this role, most
of us have failed to understand the importance of personal attention and in turn
our own health. We don’t dedicate the
same amount of energy to our own well-being as we do to that of our loved one.
And that cannot be because we are less important! We are just as important and
on the scale of care, we are more important because we are caring for
two—ourselves AND our loved one. If we become ill or exhausted, who will care
for our loved one?
Putting ourselves last is not a conscious act, but it is
common and it is very dangerous! It is not true that in serving others we
cannot serve ourselves as well. It is possible to do both and it’s possible to
do both well!
It is not only about our physical well-being, but also, and
foremost, our spiritual health. When we do not pay attention to our entire
being—our body, mind and soul—we set ourselves up for failure in the form of
exhaustion and other health problems. When we live our lives only for others, we
give our lives away.
Caregivers are swayed by Western Culture to think that
asking for help is a sign of weakness. The fear of admitting that we are not
supermen and superwomen, creates such a pressure on us that we are convinced
that we cannot measure up if we admit we cannot do it ourselves. We have been
cautioned over and over again that focusing on ourselves or putting ourselves
first is wrong. So, in the end, we concentrate on doing for our loved one or
others and leave ourselves out of the mix entirely. This is the perfect
invitation for disease and depression.
Self-neglect sets us up to take on the needs of others,
willingly, but when the exhilaration fades, we find we don’t have sufficient
inner resources to feel renewed each day. Our jobs as caregivers begin to take
over and we lose a little more of ourselves every day, even when we have the
best of intentions.
The work of a caregiver is not only about caring for our
loved one, but it is about caring for ourselves so that we can be the best at caring
for our loved ones. We cannot love another unless we love ourselves first, and
loving and caring for yourself is a way to show love to the one you care for.
Mother Teresa was an amazing caregiver yet she found time to take rest when she
needed it.
Because we make sure our needs are met does not mean we are
selfish. We need to remain healthy (physically, emotionally, and spiritually)
in order to be adequate at our caregiving. We have been taught how to go out
and give, but we’ve forgotten how to give to ourselves. Service doesn’t mean we
must give our lives away, but rather that we connect in a relationship where we
feel value and fulfillment.
We must not miss the opportunities to foster health and
well-being in ourselves. We must be in touch with our grief; our depression and
exhaustion so that we can spill it out and unburden ourselves of it. Then, we
can become healthy and start to look inward to heal and to begin to think of
ourselves as valuable and important to our loved ones and ourselves. We cannot
serve or bring forth our gifts if we don’t have the energy to do it.
There is a valid reason the airlines have you put on your oxygen mask before you help someone else. If you are not able to breathe properly, then you certainly won't be able to assist another person. We've got to put our health at the top of the list so we can be strong enough to help our loved one.
As caregivers we carry the suffering and pain of those we
care for. All of this is because we are energetic, empathetic and physical beings.
We can still care well without taking on the troubles of the world. Detachment
is the ability to care deeply from an objective place.
Caregiving, like healing, is mutual. It depends on a circle
of connection that renders both giver and receiver more whole. One of the
treasures caregivers bestow is the ability to be present with your loved one
who is suffering and to validate his or her self-worth. This is also healing
work—to witness another’s emotional wounds without judgment. As we acknowledge
another’s pain, we are allowed to let go of our own. So it is important to give
to ourselves to be the best caregivers we can be.
Adapted from Beth Witrogen McLeod’s Self-Care: The Path to Wholeness 2006
with additional input and editing by Lauri Dilbeck 2014
